As it turns out, I've done a pretty lousy job of recording my life here. What's new?
I guess you could say I've been fighting a hard case of apathy. It's a big, fat combination of things. I have to believe that somehow I will come out in the end as a stronger, deeper, more deliberate person.
Chile is changing me. I just don't know it yet.
To start, classes are a drag. "Soul draining" might be a better way to describe them, yep. I struggle to drag myself out of bed each morning to sit through them. Teachers seem to care less. I don't really either. I wish I did. I was robbed on the street and failed two assignments on the same day. I've found myself in the midst of a hot mess of a housing situation, to put it lightly. My roommate and I will both be moving with just weeks left in the program. (We will be the last students our family can host) I'm sick of feeling stagnant, wandering lifelessly, lacking joy and inspiration. Dry.
Maybe it's the smog smothered city life that I was never born for. It feels dead. I hate feeling dead. People all around me seem to be attached to fickle, temporary things. Party party parties. Computers. Parties. Not bad things. Not at all. Just.....fillers. It's not to say that I haven't met great people or valued every minute of being here. In fact, I still wish I could stay longer. And none of this, to be sure, is a reflection on Chile or Chileans, but rather the sphere of influence I have found myself.
To give you some context, I'm submerged in an artificial world of weekly maid visits and fancy couches no one ever sits on in a house located one block away from the President's summer home. Yet, all around me are glimmers of the real Chile. I'm constantly constantly confronted with distinct, divided and sometimes warring social classes and political ideals.
Just this week I went to watch the Desfile del 21 de Mayo (A parade honoring the Combat of Iquique and welcoming the president) in Valparaíso. We never actually made it to the parade because we got sidetracked by the protests happening near the plaza.
The funny thing was that once the protesting died down, all it was was fighting: hundreds of people running up and down the streets with gas masks, churches covered in tacky pink paint splatters, broken glass throwing rocks and paint at buildings and government officials, carabineros (police) swarming and arresting anyone who put up a fight. I could sense the hostility. Just fighting. At this point not fighting for anything in particular. Just built up anger. It breaks my heart.
It's not just that though. I think this apathy comes from a deeper place. I've been educating myself about the US intervention-more-like-extortion in Chile during the 60s and 70s. A couple of weeks ago I went with ISA to Villa Grimaldi in Santiago, one of the primary torture and detention centers in Chile during the military coup of 1973. We walked through some of the torture cells where men and women were crammed into small spaces, fed electric currents, run over by trucks and drowned in swimming pools. Railroad tracks have been found just off the coast in Valparaíso that were used to tie people down and throw them into the ocean to hide the bodies. Even now little is known about the thousands of men and women who died, or "disappeared." It's all so very fresh. Killed by a US supported dictatorship.
What am I supposed to do with that? I feel mortified. I feel ashamed. Moreover, what do I represent here as a US citizen (not an American; Chileans are Americans too). As a white female? As a Peace Studies major? As a follower of Chirst? As someone just struggling to even learn the language? How can I justify my name-brand education when people here work their asses off to get by? As someone who believes in the power of love, grace, justice, equality, who "seeks peace and pursues it." Who am I to even have a say?
I have been forced to question everything that I believe about the world when it is so contrary to what I experience. I still have to believe that love is stronger than any language barrier. I believe that any any circumstance we can be content and that hope can never be overcome. Chile is growing me in ways I didn't expect it to. Probably in ways I didn't want it to. I don't just want to believe that. I want to really live it. I want to seek peace and pursue it, to care for the least of these, make disciples of all nations fully and live with purpose and hope.
I guess you could say I've been fighting a hard case of apathy. It's a big, fat combination of things. I have to believe that somehow I will come out in the end as a stronger, deeper, more deliberate person.
Chile is changing me. I just don't know it yet.
To start, classes are a drag. "Soul draining" might be a better way to describe them, yep. I struggle to drag myself out of bed each morning to sit through them. Teachers seem to care less. I don't really either. I wish I did. I was robbed on the street and failed two assignments on the same day. I've found myself in the midst of a hot mess of a housing situation, to put it lightly. My roommate and I will both be moving with just weeks left in the program. (We will be the last students our family can host) I'm sick of feeling stagnant, wandering lifelessly, lacking joy and inspiration. Dry.
Maybe it's the smog smothered city life that I was never born for. It feels dead. I hate feeling dead. People all around me seem to be attached to fickle, temporary things. Party party parties. Computers. Parties. Not bad things. Not at all. Just.....fillers. It's not to say that I haven't met great people or valued every minute of being here. In fact, I still wish I could stay longer. And none of this, to be sure, is a reflection on Chile or Chileans, but rather the sphere of influence I have found myself.
To give you some context, I'm submerged in an artificial world of weekly maid visits and fancy couches no one ever sits on in a house located one block away from the President's summer home. Yet, all around me are glimmers of the real Chile. I'm constantly constantly confronted with distinct, divided and sometimes warring social classes and political ideals.
Just this week I went to watch the Desfile del 21 de Mayo (A parade honoring the Combat of Iquique and welcoming the president) in Valparaíso. We never actually made it to the parade because we got sidetracked by the protests happening near the plaza.
The funny thing was that once the protesting died down, all it was was fighting: hundreds of people running up and down the streets with gas masks, churches covered in tacky pink paint splatters, broken glass throwing rocks and paint at buildings and government officials, carabineros (police) swarming and arresting anyone who put up a fight. I could sense the hostility. Just fighting. At this point not fighting for anything in particular. Just built up anger. It breaks my heart.
It's not just that though. I think this apathy comes from a deeper place. I've been educating myself about the US intervention-more-like-extortion in Chile during the 60s and 70s. A couple of weeks ago I went with ISA to Villa Grimaldi in Santiago, one of the primary torture and detention centers in Chile during the military coup of 1973. We walked through some of the torture cells where men and women were crammed into small spaces, fed electric currents, run over by trucks and drowned in swimming pools. Railroad tracks have been found just off the coast in Valparaíso that were used to tie people down and throw them into the ocean to hide the bodies. Even now little is known about the thousands of men and women who died, or "disappeared." It's all so very fresh. Killed by a US supported dictatorship.
What am I supposed to do with that? I feel mortified. I feel ashamed. Moreover, what do I represent here as a US citizen (not an American; Chileans are Americans too). As a white female? As a Peace Studies major? As a follower of Chirst? As someone just struggling to even learn the language? How can I justify my name-brand education when people here work their asses off to get by? As someone who believes in the power of love, grace, justice, equality, who "seeks peace and pursues it." Who am I to even have a say?
I have been forced to question everything that I believe about the world when it is so contrary to what I experience. I still have to believe that love is stronger than any language barrier. I believe that any any circumstance we can be content and that hope can never be overcome. Chile is growing me in ways I didn't expect it to. Probably in ways I didn't want it to. I don't just want to believe that. I want to really live it. I want to seek peace and pursue it, to care for the least of these, make disciples of all nations fully and live with purpose and hope.
Dios les bendiga,
Sara.
It's sad to read these words, I mean it's such a strong feeling that I can almost make it my own just through your words. I understand how confused you are, you start thinking about everything you were taught and it crashes with all you actually see here. Trust me, you are growing, you ARE living it, and there is something greater to all this, something beyond our understanding. Depende de nosotros nunca dejar de creer en el amor. "El amor todo lo puede" Hang in there, because there's a reason you are going through all this.
ReplyDeleteEven though you are having a hard time and struggling....I love what God is doing in your life. Caring for the least of these is something so close to God's heart. One person CAN make a difference.
ReplyDelete